So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
two words: eviction party
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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