i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
