I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
