you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings