I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10