Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
