There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
love makes seman taste better
The best revenge is premature balding
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP