i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.