I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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