i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
