i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
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When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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