I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This baby is an asshole
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
