Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
