WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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