i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
