i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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