i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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