I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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