I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
