as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
