Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
