He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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