my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
