It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
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I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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