Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
