Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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