Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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