guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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