The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
