I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
