I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
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I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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