If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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