Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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