I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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