theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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