Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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