so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
