Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
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Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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