Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
