I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
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She swung at the pinata with crutches
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
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I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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