Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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