I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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