i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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