I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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