Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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