well I can't set my house on fire every night
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
is that a dick in a sweater?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
