God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
