Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
