Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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