Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
