doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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