Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
