you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
