Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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