Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
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I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
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at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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