Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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