happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
