I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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