it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
