Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just googled if crying burns calories
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
