Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
