I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
