she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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