I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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