all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
