you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
