Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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